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Divorce- This could easily be one of the most difficult talks any mother can have with her dear child. Well, there is definitely the deep guilt and the wrenching fear of not able to face your child face to face and tell her that her papa and mama have been planning to get a divorce. It is always better for you to tell you child/children before hand about the divorce because you owe it to them. They should know that their parents are no longer a couple, but they will keep talking, meeting and still move on with their own lives. Children may go through a lot of trauma if you do not tell them how to handle your divorce. There may be a million questions on how, when and what to tell your children. So, we are here to give you some tips on how to prepare kids for your divorce.
Top Messages to Prepare Kids for Your Divorce
1Talk to them
Firstly, you should remember to convey the message is the most subtle way. You cannot immediately tell your kid that you are getting divorced. Your kid may not even know what a divorce is. Try to explain to them the differences you and your husband have been handled with. The kinds of fights, the various arguments and the disagreements of each other’s life. When you give them a borderline of what your life has been about, they will understand that you are not happy in the relationship. Once you clarify that, you have to slowly slip it to them that you are planning to split. You can use words like ‘Daddy and Mummy are planning to stay in different houses for a few months’. When you tell them stuff like this, they will know the importance of what you are trying to say.
2It is not your fault
Children sometimes may tend to assume that parents are splitting because of the problems children are causing. So, they tend to blame themselves for your divorce. Ensure that you tell them that it is definitely not their fault that you and your husband are splitting. Tell the children that the fights about vacation time, spending time with family, arguments about bed time, etc are not because of them and it is strictly only concerning you both. This might not make them understand everything, but they will at least stop blaming themselves for your divorce.
While you are hovering on how to tell your children, also know why to come out of a toxic relationship.
3Things will be the same
Children are in for a lot of mental tension and confusion and it is definitely a huge thing for them to take. They may not understand what you are trying to tell. They may contemplate options about getting you guys together. Children may over think a lot about this as they are in fear of change. Change is scary for everyone and children don’t want their parents to stop being the same with them. Ensure and tell your children that everything will be the same. Try to agree with your husband on this one. Tell him that no matter what, where or when, he has to come and visit the children. To them, their father stays the same. This way you can create the bond and keep things going the same way. Too much change may affect the child’s mind.
4Take it slow
Using jargons to your children is not going to help you in any way. They are not going to feel normal about it at all. Always use the word Separate instead of Divorce. Information spreads fast and children are in for learning things very quickly. So, if you keep saying divorce, your child may look it up on the net or may ask a few of her/his friends on the same. Instead be subtle about it, take it slow, let your child settle in. Too much loading of information may stress their minds and brains. So, make sure to take it slow.
5Safety is important
Children may start wondering where they are going to stay and with whom. If their parents are being separated, what about their safety and them? Questions like these are very common to be over thought. So, always guarantee your kids that they will be in safe hands and won’t be sent anywhere away. Promise them that with you or your husband, they are going to have the safest and the most nice time.
6Be open to questions
You cannot expect your children to not have questions on this. They will have a million kinds of questions to ask. So, be prepared! If they are young kids, you may not be in for a lot of questioning. But if they are teenagers, you should be ready and have the right kind of answers. Remember, your children learn from you. Even the slightest misleading answer may trigger things into them. So, be very careful when you answer their questions.
It is one to just break open the news which may bring in a lot of complications, emotionally to your children, and another to slip it in and make them prepare for the divorce. It is always good to choose the later for various reasons and for your child’s mental health. You may have to not only handle your emotional self, but also your children’s. Remember to take things extremely mature and prepare kids for your divorce. Take them through this tough phase, slowly, steadily and with utmost care.
-Pavithra Ravi
